Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Naked Mole Rat

    God has placed many wonderful and bizarre creatures on this planet. The Howler Monkey, the Peruvian Cave Hog, Gnus and even Feminists, they all amuse us with their wild capering and churlish antics. But among these animals there is one that stands out in its greatness. I speak of course of the Ethiopian Naked Mole Rat. I love these little mammal-insects. What other animal can make us laugh with their yellowed, overlarge incisors. Name another creature that has such pink translucent skin allowing us to view their intestines both upper and lower. Yes, these are truly magnificent creatures and it is my intention that the world come to know and love them as well.
    Naked Mole Rats grow to be roughly the length of Rosanne Barr's fully erect penis and are graded in size on the RBEP, or arbep scale. As one can see from the picture, they have evolved beyond the need of hair, eyes, ears, wrinkle free skin, and a soul. Dr. Candlwick C. Brickman, a noted Naked Mole Rat scholar, recently discovered that their rapid evolution in these areas had begun some 70,000 years go and was brought on by the introduction of puppies and small humanoids to their diet.
    Naked Mole Rats live in large burrow in large family units ruled over by large queens. These queens sleep, eat, sex up males, and get tats in a central den. When a new queen is born, she struts her stuff in front of the drone males until egged on enough to attempt to 'serve' the old queen. When this challenge is laid down, the old queen and the new queen engage in a ritual dance competition sometimes involving whipped cream and oil and always ending in the death of one of the bystanders. Its a sight to see, let me tell you.
    Young NMRs quickly learn their place in this wonderfully complex society. After six months (or 13 human years) of federally subsidized schooling, they have a wide variety of fulfilling careers to choose from. Some move on to become worker drones, others simple drones, and the few elite are selected to be workers. Recently there has been in increase in non-drone activities such as hanging out in the tunnels gnawing on pot-root, sullenly mocking the elder drones, and wearing their wrinkled skin low around the ankles. Some have blamed this on bad parenting but this author knows exactly whom to blame. NMR teachers unions and their thuggish uncaring attitude toward work.

 Next week: Sex and Teen Culture in a small seaside NMR community!

No comments:

Post a Comment