Saturday, August 6, 2011

MST3000 Laserblast

Our Heroes:

Billy: Tall, blond, handsome, whiny. He's a 1970's emo without the cynic edge that makes today's emo's so damn insightful and deep.
Kathy: She a young woman. That's about it, not much else there. Oh, yeah, she thinks attempted rape is no big deal.
Gianni Russo: Well tailored suits, check. Black four door sedan, check. Wallet with mysterious credentials, check. He's a government agent with a mission, unfortunately, by the end of the movie we are still wondering what that is.
Generic Sheriff: He chews cigars, drives a car, and adjusts his hat. Yep, sheriff.
Deputies Unger & Jeep: Those are their real names. Pot smoking, ticket writing, non-shaving, good ole' boys. They are the glue that keeps this great country sputtering along. 
Chuck & Froggy: Laser fodder. Chuck is the kind of man who can rev an engine and rape a woman and still look good in a pair of bell-bottoms. Froggy is his. . .something, not really sure what. Possibly lovers.

    A green faced man runs alone in the desert, on his arm is attached some awkward device. We soon learn this is a Laserblaster! Apparently, the galaxy-wide military industrial complex has not quite got the hang of ergonomically designed weaponry as this thing is a monstrosity of design. If you fell while wearing it, you would snap your elbow like a twig. An ice cream bar shaped shipped buzzes overhead, lands, and two dinosaurs emerge. They squawk and carry advanced weaponry. They are also Michael Jackson fans, each wearing only one gold glove. Soon the green man is vaporized and the dinosaurs are on the move. But wait! What is this? Some strange alien technology on this backward little world is approaching! They turn and flee at the sight of a crop dusting plane, full of menace and malithion.
    Did I mention this is the desert? Yes? Well you can see the problem then, we all know that plane should be carrying DDT, not malathion but they couldn't, cause that miserable bitch Carson and her Silent Spring! Screw you Rachel.
    Anyway, they somehow forget what they have traveled through time and space to retrieve, the Laserblaster! Oh, and the necklace. It seems the Laserblaster! is connected to a necklace in order to shoot and well it all makes sense back in Galweapontech.
    Our hero, Billy, awakens to discover his mother is leaving for Acapulco. This is the first in a list of troubles he experiences prior to Laserblaster! discovery. Now, Billy is around 20-21, he has a girlfriend who will have sex at the drop of a hat, and the house will be empty for who knows how long. His reaction is to whine. Throughout the movie he proves to be an accomplished whiner.
    His mother leaves him an empty house: he whines. Next, his girlfriend's crank grandfather threatens him and refuses to let him see her, he whines. A coke machine gives him his coke at the wrong speed, he drinks his coke with a fiercely whiney look. Challenged to race by Chuck & Froggy, his van suddenly refuses to start and he looks forlorn and pounds the roof of the van. A few seconds later he is driving down the road just fine. Deputies Unger  & Jeep give chase and stop him by running him violently off the road. This is one of the strangest scenes of the movie as the fat bearded Unger menaces our hero, warns him "he knew what would happen" and then gives him a ticket for, well I'm not quite sure what. Unger has some inner hatred for Billy which is never explained. I would like to think it stems from jealousy over Billy's cool van, but Unger has a cool police car with a tall floppy antenna so that cannot be it.
    Billy is angry, confused, and carrying a now empty coke which seems to baffle him. You drank it, you twit! He parks in the middle of the desert and tosses the coke bottle which smacks into the Laserblaster! which he never noticed lying in plain sight. He picks it up and our Autraloemopithicus spends the next few minutes doing a Leatherface dance and making 'Pow Pow" sounds. It is quite embarrassing to watch and one is struck with the need to violently slap Billy around.
    We switch scenes to young Kathy, she meets our hero and they go to a birthday party with cake and a pool and a little rape on the side. Upon discovering his girl being mauled by Chuck & Froggy, he opens up a can of whup-ass with a tennis racquet. Kathy now insists her rape experience was no big deal. The kind of thing Whoopi would say was not 'rape rape'. Now the revenge begins! Revenge for a lifetime of whine inducing slights he can no longer tolerate.  I would guess the writer intended us to feel sympathy for young Billy, but we cannot, he is just too pathetic.
    That night, as Chuck & Froggy leave the party that has ended hours before, Billy stands nearby on a cliffside. A spot light picks him out (really, he is illuminated by a spotlight) and he turns Chuck's car into twisted metal. Oh, he's wearing the necklace so his face has become green and his teeth pointy. Apparently the designers at Galweapontech had a sense of humor or odd sexual tastes.
    Later, after a hot lovemaking session on a blanket in the wilderness (it seems our couple has a wild streak as they refuse to use Billy's empty house for their trysts) Kathy expresses worry over the metal disc embedded in Billy's chest. Did I forget to mention that? Well, it because it is suddenly there. They go to the town doctor, Roddy McDowall! Who looks concerned and removes it. Billy seems utterly unconcerned to have a hunk of metal burned into his chest. Like most people he knows this is all just a part of puberty. The doctor makes a telephone call to a local friend/laboratory all the while looking concern. He then drives to take his sample to the lab. Green faced Billy meets him and sends him to the angels or back to that terrible planet of apes, one of those.
    How did Billy know he was heading toward a lab at midnight? How did he manage to cut him off? We will never know and that is a good thing. The violence escalates, Unger needs to make a pit stop in a dark outhouse in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night (as we all need to do once in awhile), Billy takes out the shitter and also the police cruiser. Jeep manages to get away and is never heard from again.
    Oh wow, I've forgotten all about Gianni Russo, our intrepid government agent. This is because although he menaces and shows his mysterious badge, he doesn't seem to do much. He looks at things, he goes to labs and tests things, and he warns generic sheriff about a threat to the town. The town is locked down, which means that umm. . .well nothing because everybody manages to still leave the town. He visits the crank grandfather and they talk about the old man's retirement from a secret government project. What it has to do with the plot, we have no idea.
    Back to Billy! Chuck & Froggy have managed to evade the town lock down and drive somewhere to get him a new car. They are returning and Froggy sits in the front seat chattering on incessantly and scooting closer and closer to Chuck. Really, by the time they are blasted to pieces by an ambushing Billy, Froggy is practically giving Chuck a hickie. So, they're dead. Billy has once again proven prescient in his ability to locate targets on roads and destroy them. His van is nowhere to be seen and so he runs. A hippie picks him up and they drive.
    Oddly enough, he seems to have solved the green face problem as he now wears the necklace and wields the weapon green face free. He notices a plywood Star Wars sign on the side of the roads and blow it up. The hippie is impressed and so he must die. Now Billy has reverted back to green face, perhaps it helps him to get in the mood. Billy drives toward somewhere and we soon see Gianni Russo and Kathy are driving after him. How they know where he is or where he is going, we have no idea. This happens a lot in this movie.
    Billy reaches the east coast in record time as we are now treated to his blowing up news stands on a Brooklyn street. The aliens have returned and as he staggers about waving the weapon, Gianni and Kathy arrive. One of the dino-aliens blasts Billy from a roof top and Kathy rushes to his side. The Laserblaster is gone! It seems the aliens were just toying with us, as they could have magically taken the weapon by magic anytime they wanted. Billy dies, Kathy cries, and Gianni drives. The End.

    All in all it was a wild ride of whining and blasting and rape. The kind of thing a man can remember when the going gets tough and the bullets start flying. Billy is a hero to us all, he knows that when whining doesn't get you what you want, there is always violence as a fallback plan. Somewhere, somehow a dino-alien will get a Laserblaster to you and you can get things done. And isn't that what life is all about? Isn't it?

Final score: 3 Banana Slugs

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