Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Tiger

Perhaps the tiger has simply seen it's day.
Ever read Orwell? I read him (by choice! damn good writer) in high school and 1984 had this thing called the hate hour or the daily hate, its been a long time. I do that every morning.
I hate to argue, I can't stomach it. Sometimes I wonder if that was part of the reason my wife left me. We didn't argue, oh she would get mad and yell but I never fought back. I didn't acquiesce either, I simply did not respond. She threw a clock at my head one night and I just ducked and went to sleep. Must have made her crazy.
I get my hate and anger out on the way to work and sometimes on a bad news day, on the way home as well. I snarl, I launch into long tirades against whomever I find disgusting. I think of and express long and poignant arguments that would devastate all opposition. It beautiful. Then I get around people again and clamp down hard.
Had a quasi-debate with a co-worker and my ability to make an argument fled. I babble some inanity about not being entitled to a public toilet and proceeded to lose all track of the point I had been trying to make. Once he left I found I was trembling, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't sleep that night and felt sick for the next to days. It wasn't even an angry argument, it was perfectly civil.
In a way it terrifies me. Its a good thing I am a small man with no power and always will be.

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