Tuesday, October 25, 2011

So I'm manic.

A lot of people are, it is really fun to live with. I get a couple of weeks of dizzying lows where I stare at the TV and am capable of little else. Then I get one or two days of trough-like highs where I clean the hell out of the house write three chapters (if I am lucky) and wait for it all to come crashing apart.
I should take anti-depression drugs but when you are in the lows you can't find the effort to do it worth it and when you are high the last thing you think about is getting drugs to smooth you out.
I think I also have always had a bit of the ADHD, when I write I am able to concentrate for about 10 minutes and then I get up and clean the sink. Halfway through doing that I go back and sit down and type, but then I have to feed the cat, bathroom, change my socks and the TV is too loud, type, make tea, type, drink tea and watch five minutes of a show, get a couple of paragraphs, go to bed.
I use painkillers to focus, I have real  pain all the time, joints, back, neck, muscles, they just always twinge or ache, when I'm on the pain meds it is one of the few times I can focus for more than a few minutes. Sometimes I manage thirty or forty minutes of uninterrupted writing.We have been conditioned to believe using pain meds is bad, but let me tell you what i think about that.
To all those who sit back and cluck their tongues at the poor sod who uses them. . .fuck . . .you. Fuck you and your pain free, smug little life. So convinced that its all in the other person's head and they are just weak. Fuck you because you have never and will never know real and constant pain and do not have a bunch of ass wads doing their damndest to take away the one thing that gives a person a little relief. Who in the hell do you think you are to force someone else to live in pain for no other reason than you feel that somehow relieving the pain is wrong.
I used to think just like you, I used to think that people who took them were weak. . .and then it happened to me and I went through pain you don't even want to know. I have pissed chunky food, read that again dick, I have pissed food, tomato seeds, carrots, chunks of meat, they have all come out the wrong place. I have had a bladder stone as big as a chicken egg and carried it for months because no one could figure it out. And then they botched the surgery and I spent 18 hours in pain so bad I could barely breathe because the asshole doctors refused to give me any pain medication.
I have weighed 113 pounds and had all my guts taken out of my body, laid on a table and sliced and diced before they were put back in. I have scar tissue in placed you can't comprehend. I hurt all the time. I have had multiple catheters which were worn for months. My pain threshold owns you. When I go every two months for an IV and it takes them eight tries to get the needle in and they have to use an ultrasound to do it, I sit in the chair and laugh because, What the fuck eh, why not? My arms are usually a purple and yellow mess for two weeks after. That's my current life.

There are a few of you out there who understand, you go through what I go through all the time and so I urge you, never ever let people make you feel guilty if you try to get some damn relief somewhere. They are the weak ones, they are the ones who yell at the nurse when it 'hurts' cause they had to give blood for the first time in six years. They don't know pain.

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